My Sunday Currently || 11


READING
my old blog posts in hope to find who I used to be

WRITING
this entry after soooo long, wow???

LISTENING
it's Britney bitch's Womanizer  

 THINKING
about an old feeling

 SMELLING
the ginataang kalabasa which my mom cooked; hmm, who doesn't love homemade food?   

 WISHING
for genuine peace of mind 

 HOPING
to finally heal my damaged soul

 LOOKING
for a boyfriend??? Charot, I guess just for some time with my bff's!

 WEARING
a very comfy thin dress shirt, and short shorts underneath (I love this weather!!!)

 MISSING   
someone I shouldn't

 LOVING
the cool weather  

WANTING
some pizza... anyone wants to send me one?  

NEEDING
motivation for the next three weeks

FEELING
tired in all aspects

(crediting this template to: siddathornton Share yours too! Inspired by: mainemendoza)

Mahal Kita, Matagal Na: the unsaid story


I know that by now, you know who you are. This is yours-- always been yours through the years. The truth that you've never heard about.

Walang tayo pero eto ang kwento natin sa letra ko, sa memorya ko, sa puso ko.

I remember meeting you for the first time ever, and as funny as it sounds, you immediately became my /first/ and all-time college crush.

Crush na kita bago ka pa naging crush ng bayan. Crush na kita bago ka pa minahal nang maraming iba pa. Crush na kita, 'di ka pa pansin ng iba.

Matagal na panahon, akala ko simpleng hi-hello nalang ang magiging meron tayo. Akala ko ganon nalang. Akala ko lang pala.

I guess fate has a wonderful way of letting me know better the love of my life. The love that I would always love, and would always choose.

But I guess, too that fate has its way of testing me through time, of trying to know whether it was truly you that this heart yearns for. And surely, fate did not fail to know the truth.

Kala ata ng tadhana finally mabibitawan ka na ng puso ko. Kala ata nya mapapagod na ang puso ko at magsasawa rin kasi eto na sa wakas, abot-kamay na kita.

Kala rin ata nya matatapos na ang kabaliwan ko kasi finally alam ko na kung sino ka talaga, kung paano ka talaga. Kala ko rin eh. Kala ko simpleng crush lang.

Pero sino bang niloko ko? Taon na ang nagdaan pero ikaw pa rin tapos simpleng crush lang? Ang hirap lang kasing aminin sa sarili kong mahal kita kahit wala lang ako sa'yo.

At sa bawat araw na nakikilala kita, na nakakasama kita mas lalo lang akong nahuhulog. That's when I know na mahihirapan akong bitawan ka balang araw.

But I don't mind, and I'm willing to endure whatever it takes to be with you, even for just a little time.

Ilang beses bang may nagtanong kung bakit single pa rin ako? At ang palaging sagot ko lang ay "masaya naman ako."

Ilang beses ko bang sinabi sa sarili ko na wala na? Na ayoko na? Na may iba na? Na hindi na ikaw?

Pero ilang beses ko rin bang niloko ang sarili ko? Kasi all this time, ikaw pa rin. Ikaw lang. And I can't seem to stop.

Yung kahit minsan may rason para bumitaw pero binibigyan mo ko ng maraming rason para kumapit sa isang bagay na 'di ko alam kung meron ba.

The confession wasn't and would never be something I'd regret because that's how I knew you're worth it-- that I'm in love with the right one.

You took away what became my biggest fear after the confession-- being shut out by you. But how you took everything in, how you've let me stay in your life is enough to let me know how much investing in you is everything I shouldn't regret.

Because you will always be that one risky investment I'm willing to go for.

By now I know being loved back isn't what I'm going for. I just want you to let me love you until I find it in me to finally let go.

So I'm putting it out in the open one time that I love you. I have always been in love you. And being loved this much is what you deserve, and is what you will always deserve.

To the one that I couldn't bear not to fall in love with


I'm afraid that if I don't let go now, if I don't move on from you now, I'd never be able to do so. It's now or never, nothing in between. And so I chose to do it, to finally do it.

I forced myself to be brave enough even if it felt impossible for me at first, even if I felt like my heart is about to burst out from my chest just with the thought of staying away. I was scared that we'll never be the same again after that night. Apparently, you're still you, while I slowly became different. And just when I thought that I'm slowly letting myself stop being different with you, I'd remember those exact words that tore me to pieces. 

For some time, I pretended to stop caring. I pretended to stop looking. I pretended to stop hearing. I wore a mask that I thought would protect me and my pretentiously strong heart. I started going on my days without talking to you, even if I felt that I have to. I started staying out of your way whenever I can. I started spending time with someone else, someone I thought would never be a threat to my vulnerability. And for some time, it did work; those things worked. Until they don't anymore. Until I am back to ground zero again.

I thought I was doing just fine. For a short period, I've stopped thinking about how you are, if you're eating on the right times of the day, if you're getting enough rest or what you have been up to. I felt that I am a normal person who was never in love with you, who never got butterflies in her tummy whenever you give her hugs, who never lost confidence when you stopped trusting her. It felt good at some point, but it felt miserable at most. I felt like I wasn't myself most of the times. I held back far too many times just because I feel that my being is missing something.

After months of pretending, and thinking that I am now in love with someone else, here I go writing this as a proof that I never got over you, that I never forgot how I feel about you. The truth was only blinded by my pain because that is what I want to feel. My heart went back to the beginning, back when I was in denial that I am madly in love with you.

Months of forcing myself to feel different towards you caused my heart to constrict in pain, but I chose to ignore for I thought it'll just go away eventually. All those times reminded me of how much I want to stay around you, of how much I want you to be proud of me, of how much I want you to choose me. Not being around you only made me realize where you stand in my life.

I still love hearing your crazy stories. I still love your low-key sweet gestures. I still love the sound of your voice. I still the love the way you look through me as if you could see all the secrets I keep. I still love feeling your skin against mine. I still love you even if I know I'd never stand a chance with you. After all, I'm only one of many who wants to be with you. I still love you even if it is just too risky to feel this way. I still love you, and I know I'd never be able to stop again.

Maybe I should let you go, but I figured that I shouldn't.

This is yours, finally


I first mistook you as peevish and grumpy, from the way you replied to all the messages I've sent. But from the moment I've met you on, you intrigued me, and you kept surprising me with what more you could offer. Those bits of your life you let me see always leave me wanting more, and more. I keep hoping to see you around in low key. By that time, I am still oblivious that something in me was changing, that I was slowly developing a certain something for you. I just let the emotions flow into me, and out of me; I've just allowed myself to fall, and I did. And when finally, I know it in me; I have admitted to myself that this something exists, it overwhelms me almost every time. 

More than a year after, we're still standing on far too different grounds. I'm nowhere near thy radar, still a nobody in thy life, but I continue to hope that one day it'll all be different, that we'd be different, good different. The feeling, the bright hope in me scares me sometimes for it reminds me of how hard I'm falling for you. The moment I realized I am falling, I am perfectly aware of the wounds, the bruises I am about to get; the risk I am putting my heart into; and the possible heartbreak I am about to get at the end of all this, if ever it'll even end at all. But I am more scared of how hard I am falling even if you aren't trying at all... what more if you are?

But I guess the fear isn't enough for me to stop for I'm still here-- falling even harder than I should, than I am allowed to do so. The feelings, my feelings are stretching towards infinity, I don't know how to stop it. Yet, I choose to want to be patient with you for that is what real feelings are all about. Time isn't the variable, the timing is. 

They say it isn't love until that someone calms your soul down, and gives you a sense of peace. And you do, you calm me down as if I've known you from years, years back; you calm me down as if you're all the home I need; as if you're all the person I need to go on with life.

If I have a word to describe this feeling I have for you, it's strange. But strange good, you're always a good kind of everything. The first time I heard your name, it didn't sound special at all. You're just another name amongst the throng anyway. More than a year later since that first encounter, since that first time, your name is now a resounding one; not only in the halls where you spend most of your time being you and who you want to be, but a resounding name in my heart, in my world.

Whenever someone asks who you are, I can't help but smile, and tell myself in secret, "he puts this loving smile on my face without even trying, and without even knowing it." You're simple, you're honest, you're you, and I love that about you. So much. And it's pretty ironic how clueless you are that someone you don't even know that much is so into you. Weird, I know, but I like that this only happened to me once in my life, ever. And that once is with you-- it is happening with you. 

I am not sure if you realize that this is all about you, or if you'll ever realize it, but yes, it's you. It has always been you. It took me a little too long to admit, and be brave about it, but I hope it isn't too late. It took me so long to pour all the emotions I have into writing for every time I try, I always end up being empty-handed. What I feel about you is too difficult to be compressed into a few paragraphs. It took me all the feelings, the bravery, and the timing to finally write this one down. 

Thank you for always calming me down, for drawing a smile on my face, for putting the glow back in my eyes, for making my day-- always.  And hey, you're loved, more than you ever know. How I wish we could go a little farther than where we are now, but who am I to ask for it? No one. But to me, you will always be someone-- please remember that. This is yours. This is finally yours, this is finally about you.




Also available in an alternate title via Thought Catalog: The truth is it has always been you

My necessary farewell


It's a new beginning with some new people in my life. I decided to go through my things, and I unexpectedly came across our old photos I have buried away-- our old photos with beautiful memories in them. I don't know why I was even surprised to see them when I know they were always there. Or maybe for a moment, they just slipped off my mind, and I'm glad they did.

I have not moved on, I just decided to forget about us for a while. And seeing those photos reminded me of the lowest lows we've conquered, and the highest highs we've reached together. They reminded me of wonderful memories that keep hurting me in the process of remembering. They reminded me that you were once part of me, that I invested in someone that have no plans of ever putting me first, that I allowed someone to go through beyond I have let anyone else through.

You were a priority, your feelings were my priority. And seeing those memories wrapped in our old photos only reopened wounds that were never healed. I miss you. So much it hurts. While you leaving me hanging allowed new people to enter my life, I'd still choose that door leading to you when possible. But there were no doors nor windows, there is just a wall-- a wall that has separated us from each other since you walked out from my life, since you pushed me away.

Ironic how it feels like I'm the only one who is feeling lost, and you're just as happy as you are. Did I even matter to you? Were we even real? I valued you so much, and I still do no matter how hard I attempt to cover it with anger. Would you believe I was willing to take you back without apologies? That's how much you matter. I always remind myself that the intensity of what we used to have is no match to our falling apart right now, that you are a fight worth fighting for. People kept telling me to stop, but I didn't for I thought I know you better. But I guess, I don't. Not anymore, or maybe, not at all. I did not want to give you up, but you made me do so. And now, there is no turning back.

I loved you with all that I could, and all that I have. I took care of you even if it means forgetting myself in the process. I protected you for I know you may not be as strong as others may think. I understood you when you tried pushing me away. I hugged you the hardest when you felt like you were never good enough. I saw the best in you even if some never did. No, I am not asking for you to do the same, but why did you do this? Why are you doing this? Whatever it is that I may have done unknowingly wrong to you, is it enough for you to hurt me like this?

I used to tell you that I will always be right where you left me, and that I will always understand whatever the circumstance may be, but right now? I don't know anymore. I can't keep believing someone who tells me they care about me, but acts otherwise. Up to now, I am still in a trance of why you're doing this, of why we came to this point. And I guess I will never understand why. I can't help but wonder, would things have been different if I fought for you a little harder?

You're a part of me I will never forget, but if falling apart is what is best for the both of us, then acceptance is the choice I am left with. Thank you for making me feel loved when I felt like I am not worth loving; for choosing to stay with me when everyone else chose to leave; for making me realize my worth that I never thought I had; for caring for me whenever I choose to care for other people first; for accepting me wholly when others chose to dump me; for appreciating the little things that I do; for believing in me when I almost lost all faith in myself; for teaching me that I shouldn't depend my life on others; for coming into my life.

Finally, thank you for choosing to leave me and hurt me like this because I finally understand that not everyone who treats me with love and care are people worth investing in. Thank you because you left when I am already too attached, but then again, thank you because you left right when I am already stronger to face battles on my own.

I am not sure if this would ever change anything, but I just want to tell you one last time, I love you, and I'll miss you. I hope you're genuinely happy with the choices you've made. And take care of your heart for I know you have a heart that is just as fragile as mine.

Also available in Thought Catalog with an Alternate Title: To The One Who Never Put Me First

You're back in my writing, mister


You look stunning, dashing, and everything I didn't know you could be. My eyes keep wandering in the crowd, but they'd always go back to that favorite spot of theirs last night. They keep settling on you. You keep stealing my eyes, my attention, my heart.

With you around closer than usual, I need to breathe a little too often than normal because my heart can't help but to skip a bit with the sight of yours, with the sound of your voice that is so genuine, too raw. I have settled for months with the fact that the previous encounters we had meant nothing, but last night, you were back with the same dilemma I had a few months ago.

You stole my heart again, and again, and again.

That night, you're all I need to see, your voice is all I need to hear, your presence is all I need to feel.
And you're all I want to have.

On a post-breakup still


You look at her as if she is a pink diamond that someone might steal away the moment you look somewhere else, as if the moment you look away, she'll just go away and take your last breath with her. Your smile to her is so genuine it hurts to see it. Your laugh is so heartfelt that I have never heard you laugh that way before with me. Your eyes are smiling even without trying to curve your lips into one. You're so happy I could not help but wonder, did you ever felt that way with me?

You describe her like she is a gem that shines even from a thousand miles away. You admire her the way you admire your favorite singer for more than a decade. You called her your best thing ever. Don't you think it's a little unfair with me?

While I love seeing you smiling so genuine, I could not help but wonder, did I ever mean to you that way, too? Did you ever love me that way? Were you only mine by label, and never by heart?

I love you, but no amount of love I am willing to give would suffice to cover up the pain.


But for one time, I wish you could tell me the answers to all my questions, even if asking them are already so many years late. But at one point in time, I wish I was also your best thing ever even if it is only because I am all you have, and you got no other choice.
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