To the one that I couldn't bear not to fall in love with
I'm afraid that if I don't let go now, if I don't move on from you now, I'd never be able to do so. It's now or never, nothing in between. And so I chose to do it, to finally do it.
I forced myself to be brave enough even if it felt impossible for me at first, even if I felt like my heart is about to burst out from my chest just with the thought of staying away. I was scared that we'll never be the same again after that night. Apparently, you're still you, while I slowly became different. And just when I thought that I'm slowly letting myself stop being different with you, I'd remember those exact words that tore me to pieces.
For some time, I pretended to stop caring. I pretended to stop looking. I pretended to stop hearing. I wore a mask that I thought would protect me and my pretentiously strong heart. I started going on my days without talking to you, even if I felt that I have to. I started staying out of your way whenever I can. I started spending time with someone else, someone I thought would never be a threat to my vulnerability. And for some time, it did work; those things worked. Until they don't anymore. Until I am back to ground zero again.
I thought I was doing just fine. For a short period, I've stopped thinking about how you are, if you're eating on the right times of the day, if you're getting enough rest or what you have been up to. I felt that I am a normal person who was never in love with you, who never got butterflies in her tummy whenever you give her hugs, who never lost confidence when you stopped trusting her. It felt good at some point, but it felt miserable at most. I felt like I wasn't myself most of the times. I held back far too many times just because I feel that my being is missing something.
After months of pretending, and thinking that I am now in love with someone else, here I go writing this as a proof that I never got over you, that I never forgot how I feel about you. The truth was only blinded by my pain because that is what I want to feel. My heart went back to the beginning, back when I was in denial that I am madly in love with you.
Months of forcing myself to feel different towards you caused my heart to constrict in pain, but I chose to ignore for I thought it'll just go away eventually. All those times reminded me of how much I want to stay around you, of how much I want you to be proud of me, of how much I want you to choose me. Not being around you only made me realize where you stand in my life.
I still love hearing your crazy stories. I still love your low-key sweet gestures. I still love the sound of your voice. I still the love the way you look through me as if you could see all the secrets I keep. I still love feeling your skin against mine. I still love you even if I know I'd never stand a chance with you. After all, I'm only one of many who wants to be with you. I still love you even if it is just too risky to feel this way. I still love you, and I know I'd never be able to stop again.
Maybe I should let you go, but I figured that I shouldn't.
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