A love that is so strong it destroyed us both
It
was a relationship full of memories beyond replacement—memories that no one
could steal, not even time, another love, nor death. Ours was timeless, but
broken beyond repair. Our love was too intense that it scared us both; it
scared us that maybe, we could never move on if one decides to let go, but you
did, and I was the only one left afraid for myself, and for my days to come
without you.
The strong love turned into strong pain. We began hurting each other, binding each other into a relationship that is no longer making neither of us happy. We began hurting each other, emotionally and physically. The bubbly days were gone, and we kind of just untied from each other’s hold. We started throwing old arguments from the past—arguments that I realized were never really resolved before.
The
wonderful dreams of us together for a lifetime suddenly became nightmares of
today. On bad nights, I wake up and just stare at my bruises in the dark with
just the moonlight to illuminate the evidences of what we’ve become together. My
love, what have we become?
We
mistook our weakness as bravery to get our relationship through. Now, we are
falling apart without breaks, crushing each other’s lives slowly yet more
painfully. I could no longer see the traces of who we used to be, of how we
used to be. We grew out of each other in our own bond, that we began
understanding differently. My silence was mistook as divergence, my tears as loss
of affection, and my laughter with others as sadness in the relationship I am
in. I was never asked, you just took every bit of me as they are, but then, you
never really knew the truth behind. And so, you began to hit me and hurt me
more and more, and more. The pain
never seems to stop coming. It became my new life constant—the air that I
breathe, the food that I eat, the water that I drink.
One
day, we woke up and our relationship simply turned into an abusive one—a brutal
and a selfish one. Nobody wanted to quit at first; we both wanted to see each
other suffer with the other. We were both selfish. Then I decided, this was no
longer doing me any good, but you keep strangling me with no apparent reason. I
realized, you just love seeing me in pain, don’t you?
The
bright days were eaten up whole by the dark ones. The roses became thorns, and
the butterflies became bugs that are eating me from the inside, and slowly
destroying me—so slow, I almost wished that my life be taken at that moment I
first felt it. You enjoyed seeing me shattered into tiny pieces before you
finally let me go. I endured the fact that the man I once saw myself waking up
next to has turned into a leviathan that wants to see me drown in the middle of
the sea while he is smiling next to the new girl he found.
You
crushed me so fine before you freed me from the huge chains you tied me into. I
am so crushed that I have no idea what to do next. Dignity was all I’m left
with, and even that, you decided to take with you. Grateful that I am finally
liberated, but where do I start building myself again? Where do I start when I
can’t even trust myself to do the right things anymore? You took away all of
me, the hope in my system, the glow in my eyes, the genuineness in my smile.
Somehow,
I am still wishing that one day I could be whole again, smile like everything
never happened, and close my eyes like I never even met you. Maybe someday, I
could rebuild myself, and be tougher like I must be. And probably, meet you
again, and not feel a bit of fear. But for now, I am allowing myself to weep,
and weep until the tears just stop springing out—until the pain is just a
shadow of the past, our once beautiful
past. Looking back, everything we had still seem to be timeless, not
because they are the most beautiful memories, but for they are beyond what we
comprehended; they are incomparable for the scars it brought me cannot be
healed, not even by time. It may heal some wounds, but the rest that remain
open and throbbing need to be endured on my own.
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