Mixed emotions

2:15 AM Cassie 0 Comments

It's that time of the year again. Marami na akong pinagdaanang ganito, pero di ko alam bakit pakiramdam ko di na ako nasanay. The feeling is always brand new, feeling like every moment is a first time. Pakiramdam ko, lagi akong bago ng bago. Feeling ko, every time it happens, it doesn't numb my feelings, it only intensifies them. It hurts a little worse every single time.

With every fight, ganito yung nararamdaman ko, hindi lang dahil sa pinaglalaban namin, but because of the people I am fighting with. The attachment is already there because I have seen how committed they were kaya siguro mas masakit. Pero iniisip ko na even if things didn't go the way we want them to be, hindi nasayang yung sacrifices. Walang nasayang kasi worth it yung mga taong pinaglalaban namin. Masaya ako kasi umabot sila sa ganito, kaming lahat sa ganito. Malungkot ako kasi hindi lahat sila nakapasok. Ang sakit eh, sobrang sakit. Nakita ko kung ano yung handa nilang ibigay, so mas masakit isiping di pa pala enough yung sakripisyo nila.

Naiiyak na naman ako... hindi lang dahil sa saya, kung hindi sa sakit at lungkot na din. When I found out the results, the first thing that I thought are my friends who are on the unlucky side of the coin. Here comes my mixed emotions. And the tears were for everyone, out of joy and out of sadness. And hirap maging masaya kung alam mong may nahihirapang iba. Pero syempre gusto mo rin suportahan yung mga nanalo, diba?

Gusto kong maging matapang pero di ko alam kung paano. Gusto kong malaman paano lampasan yung mga ganitong sitwasyon pero hindi sa paraang mamamanhid ako. Lahat sila mahalaga. Hindi ko na alam nararamdaman ko, or kung ano ba yung dapat kung maramdaman. Naguguluhan na ako.

Even so, I am glad na pangatlong taon ko na at parte pa rin ako ng laban na ito. Hindi sumusuko, hindi napapagod. Indeed, God always has a better plan. I am sure He has better ones, too for everyone. Defeats are made to make us stronger and braver, not to tear us apart. I hope all of us realize that. I am grateful for being in this fight. It wasn't easy, but I am sure it was worth it because it is for You. Always have, always will. Thank You for guiding us all throughout and for this opportunity.

Matatapos na tong sinusulat ko, di ko pa rin alam yung nararamdaman ko. Mixed emotions indeed. I am hoping I am feeling this way, not because of guilt, but out of care for everyone who were all good to me as well. Lead us all, Lord.