Yours


Dear -----,


How are you, really? Are you happy? I hope you are, I heard you are, I wish you are. Are you happy with her? Does she do things I can't do for you? Does she love you more than I did? Does your decision of leaving me your best one yet? I hope it is... I hope.

Hey, you, I miss you, even on days I shouldn't. I still remember the important dates I should have buried away with the old me. I still dream of you on nights that I should be sleeping peacefully in my current life. I still think of you, and how you are, our what ifs included. You're still in me, lingering in me. You left me, but there is still a part of you that I refuse to let go, I know I should, but I refuse to do so.

They say pain changes people, but how come with you, I am still that same helpless, vulnerable girl who is madly in love with her first love? I loved you, I love you, and for years I refuse to acknowledge that, for I thought denying it would make me the stronger one. But you are that person, you're moved on, you're happy, you're okay. And I'm not.

I still hold on to our memories, even if they hurt me, even if I'm the only one left in them. Tell me, how do you do it? How did you do it? Teach me, how do I forget you? It is not enough that I see you as a jerk now. You're still here, you're still in me. And I wish you aren't, I wish you never were.

I'm still yours, if not all of me, most of me, while I have nothing of you anymore. I still treasure the memories that meant nothing to you now. How could you become so whole while I'm still stuck in being pieces?

I hope you could answer me back one day, when you have figured out how come it took you no time to let go.


Love,
me



Also available in Thought Catalog with an alternative title: If Only I Could Forget You The Way You Forgot Me

Take all of me with you, if you have to


Years of knowing you is one of the reasons why I still continuously think of the endless what ifs of ours—what if you remained faithful to me, what if I didn’t let go, what if we both held our words until the anger in us died down, what if we never broke up? I can’t let go of everything we have, not even a portion of it. I just can’t even if in those years of being with you, I know one thing—being with you for such a long time still does not mean I know you, all of you, for there are still pieces of you that stayed yours, and no one else’s, mysteriously yours.

I loved you, with all that I have, with all that I am, even with the misfit and broken pieces of me, even if you haven’t asked for them yet. You didn’t need to ask me twice, nor once. I was offering every bit of me freely. I held no secrets, except those that hurt me, for I didn’t want you to feel that you aren’t good enough for me. I found perfection in no one, except you because I chose not to. It felt like a sin worshipping a whole new different level of perfection, it felt like betraying you, and the that is the last thing I would want to do to you, so I never did.

But with every single time you mess up, and I need to cover for you, you let me see the little bits of imperfection in the man I once saw as perfect. I cannot change you—I cannot fix you. And in every chance that I realized that I could not, it breaks me a little more inside. It is breaking me slowly—so slow, it feels like drowning in the bottom of the sea with no one else in the view. I felt so helpless. We both did, only I knew, and you never knew I felt the same way. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to leave. I didn’t tell anyone else because I want to keep everyone knowing that we are still that perfect pair. At least for me, we still are.

We broke up, and yet you still care about me so much, and it makes me question my decision of leaving you. I hope you could just get mad at me to make it easier for me to remove your hold from my life, to make moving on faster for me. You messed up infinitely before I decided to break it up, then I broke up with you. But with you caring for me as if nothing changed makes me feel like I am the worst person. I know I’m not, but with you, I think I am.


Do you realize how unhealthy, and crazy we have become? This whirlwind romance that we have took us to greatest heights and lowest slumps. We were robbed of our chance to be both happy, really happy. And if it meant breaking us apart, then I am willing to suffer the consequences of leaving you when you need me the most. I’d still wake up on some nights feeling the same intensity of hurt when we were slowly falling apart, but I know I’ll get over this. Not now, probably, but I know I will. We need to be happy. We can’t keep being together for convenience, and because we complement each other’s flaws. We need to let go. You’ve exhausted everything I could give to someone, but it doesn’t matter. You could run away with them if you want to. I loved you, and I am letting you go with all of me, even if it means being empty when you leave—because as you start over, I want you to remember that there was once a person who loved you unconditionally. I am willing to lose everything because I know I can rebuild myself, but I’m afraid you can’t without anything to begin with.

First time voter, but cares for this country long before


By now, Duterte is a little step away from becoming president. The lead is his, the gap is huge, making it entirely impossible for the second placer to catch up considering millions as difference. This second placer happens to be my bet, my guy, MAR. He's been continuously judged for so many issues being thrown at him. Probably, a lot may think that my vote went to waste for going for a candidate who didn't win, but to me, no vote is a trash as long as you vote for people that you believe in. The regret comes when you chose to go for someone who clearly isn't in line with your beliefs, simply because he is the bandwagon choice, and as some would say, a sure win candidate. Early afternoon today, MAR has conceded to Duterte, with tears being held back. He came as a selfless person who sincerely respected the voice of the plurality. He is too in love with his motherland, it hurt him so much. He's been branded as different black labels, but despite those, this guy stuck with his values, and never let his class down. Despite the evident defeat, I do not regret even a little that I chose the guy a lot usually misjudge. He is true. He ran not out of ambition, but because he knew he couldn't stand to sit in one corner, and watch his countrymen face another chapter when he knows he could do something. As he does the press con today, MAR looked radiant. He looked calm, as if he was accepting defeat with open arms. He was ready to let go of this last chance, but he doesn't intend to let his true love for his motherland slip away. He professed his patriotic love, like a man asks his childhood sweetheart to finally marry him after a decade. Even after all these years, the excitement of loving our dear country is still in him. The intense love he has brought him to pain and in tears. Watching this, it broke my heart into pieces, because that guy is my guy. I am so proud that I know my vote isn't a waste by voting for such selfless man. He is too genuine that it hurts. It hurts not because a different candidate is too close to winning, but because my candidate is losing, and we have to let a selfless man slip away.

Over the months, I have openly expressed my distaste regarding Duterte through my social media accounts. If you were following the news since the filing of COCs, Duterte has already got a seal of disapproval from me as accumulated from different events he put himself into. But last night, as the unofficial tally of the polls unveil before me, my distaste became more flavorful in my tongue. He is so close to becoming the next president for our new regime. I have seen how that more or less 6-million gap accumulated between MAR and Duterte. It scared me, not because I am a drug addict, or a serial killer, or a law violator in any sense, but because I am not sure that his kind of leadership is what this country is ready for. Statements and half jokes have been circulating online about how they ready they are to leave this country, and start anew. But I stayed silent. If we think that Duterte isn't the right guy, the more that we should stay. The country needs us, she needs us. Is that how we love, we leave during the unsure times?

 As I write this, I do not intend to detail why I am not for him, but I write this because I hope to be wrong. I hope that as we begin a new regime with Duterte, I hope my thoughts about him are wrong. Never in my life have I thought that I would wish myself to be wrong. We all want to be right about decisions. But as we begin a new six years ahead of us, I strongly hope that I am wrong. After watching the video of him crying in his parents' tomb, hope sprung out of me that maybe he is more than what I see of him, that behind the patriarch and misogynist in him is a heart that is true, a soul that is selflessly caring for the people he is serving. I hope Duterte would prove himself worthy of the top seat, and myself to be erroneous about my judgments about the new head of the state. I'd rather be wrong, than to tell my fellow countrymen who voted for him that they are wrong. I am alone in being wrong, but garnering an approval for millions of Filipinos meant that if they are wrong, this country is going to crumble. I do not want that. I want to be wrong, once and for all, if it means allowing millions to be right, if it means giving a new government a shot to fix this country. I do not intend to fight for my choice for it is useless now, I have to accept. We should all do. Otherwise, a scattered throng would be the cause of the fall of this beautiful nation. Remember that she needs us. Don't leave. She deserves better, and if she will be better off with Duterte as head, I'd gladly accept that fact than to be wrong and suffer the next six years under a faulty governance.

While the gap for presidency is quite evident, first and second placers for vice presidency are in a tight race to being the last person standing, though I prefer it to be the last woman standing. Yes, I am for Robredo. At first, I am for her because she is a face close to home, Naga City. But not only is she that, she's not just a widow living behind her deceased husband's shadow, nor is a plain housewife who knows nothing about the real situations in this country, nor is a woman pretending to know a lot because of her credentials. She is a woman wrapped in genuineness, and filled with sincerity to serve this country. From a face being close to home, she eventually turned into a woman who doesn't mind teaching her kids how to find food on their own, a mother who knows the right words to say when you feel like the world is crumbling before you, a widow who is set to bring down a son of a dictator; she is the light that we need in this darkness.

Disclaimer: if you are a Marcos apologist, stop at this point or you might throw your gadget away while reading my thoughts about your beloved Marcos. Do both of us a favor, and leave my space.

 Up until now, I am still in surprise of the large numbers that Marcos is getting in this vice presidential race. I may understand if he accumulates a couple of thousands, but to accumulate millions, and is a place away from becoming the second highest official of the land??? That is insane. I'd like to think he cheated, but it'd be unfair. Branding him and his team as such would only make me just like them-- confidently accusing people of things that they fail to prove. I'd like to ask instead, have these people who voted for Marcos did not have a history class back then or right now? WHERE WERE YOU? Please spare me from the reason that I am not alive yet during Martial Law so I could not be sure and cannot rant about it. So, you're still waiting for it to happen while you're alive? All you need to do is research extensively and you'd be transported back to those days without actually living in the moment. I am not furious about the fact that he is merely a son of Ferdinand and Imelda (the real dictator, by the way), but I am extremely mad and disappointed by the fact that a big number chose someone who refused to acknowledge the heavily evidenced crimes his dad and his government has done during his long reign in this nation. I may understand if he chooses to defend his family, it is his family after all. But to refuse to acknowledge unresolved crimes during the Martial Law led by his family when the truth is written in history? It's too much, way too much. Even him has ill-gotten wealth himself to add. How are we able to stomach putting into high power someone who is playing blind and innocent of the crimes that existed? How, other than the fact that some girls are attracted to his son, Sandro, who isn't even worthy of second look to start with?? Except if you know that he is the grandson of the dictator.

Don't try to argue with figures and articles and what not. Philippines is not well-off during the Marcos regime. We never were. The argument that being the dictator's son doesn't mean he will be a dictator himself is overrated already. He may not be a dictator, but he may be, and can we risk that? For a population as large as ours, we cannot. We have room for the littlest of mistakes, and we cannot test the waters. We need to be firm about our future, because the future generations are also involved in this. We have to decide for them, too, and we need to decide as right as we could, too. Don't even brand Robredo as a cheater or the LP, when we all know which family has a record of cheating. Don't play dumb and read up history from legitimate sources. By supporting Marcos, it is like acknowledging People Power anniversaries as a joke. Imagine the lives lost and destroyed during the Martial Law that are being wasted simply because we are almost electing another Marcos. Imagine our favorite dictator being given a hero's burial. Imagine your future children asking you why our generation has allowed another Marcos to hold the second highest position of the land, when his father robbed us, robbed our parents and grandparents their human rights.

Robredo is my choice by default because Naga is home, and I was able to see how genuine she and her husband is. But as time progresses, she makes herself more and more worthy of my vote. And I think, of all our votes. She's a breath of fresh air to all of us. As I write this, she's still in a tight battle with Marcos. And I still fail to see the logic as to why. Robredo attracted my vote because she is so genuine, and we rarely have genuine public servants. We need more of her. She openly accepts the flaws of her own party, and the current administration. She is a loving mother to our motherland, but more than that, she is a brave citizen who is willing to take a risk, and make a sacrifice for the common good. I hope we realize that.

This has become a fight bigger than all of us. We are fighting for a future that is unsure, a future for us and the coming generations. Since voting at 6:30AM in the May 9 polls, I stayed up until 5AM of May 10 just to make sure that when I sleep, Robredo is leading. I want to be sure, and I could not be any happier that a lot are with me in doing so. A lot are more involved, and it makes my heart glad that this generation is becoming more immersed. This election is a huge turning point for our history. So many amendments will happen soon. And I hope we casted the right votes to make that turning point the best one yet.

A love that is so strong it destroyed us both


It was a relationship full of memories beyond replacement—memories that no one could steal, not even time, another love, nor death. Ours was timeless, but broken beyond repair. Our love was too intense that it scared us both; it scared us that maybe, we could never move on if one decides to let go, but you did, and I was the only one left afraid for myself, and for my days to come without you.

 The strong love turned into strong pain. We began hurting each other, binding each other into a relationship that is no longer making neither of us happy. We began hurting each other, emotionally and physically. The bubbly days were gone, and we kind of just untied from each other’s hold. We started throwing old arguments from the past—arguments that I realized were never really resolved before.

Two broken people could not always fix each other


When I close my eyes and darkness eats up my system, my eyes could not see, but my mind still keeps flashing that beautiful face of yours—repetitively, inconsolably, and I know, it’ll be just another long night for me. On nights I can’t sleep, I have to cry myself to be able to do so until I’m all dried up, and there is nothing left for me to shed. For on those nights I’m up all night, it’s you that’s been constantly bugging me. Your smile, your eyes—everything about you, actually.
I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss your bubbly smile. I miss the sparkle in your eyes. I miss them because they’re because of me. But now, all I see are fuming anger and pain. That pain I see in you is my last resort, my only hope, that you’re still the you that I know; that we could start over again. I miss you, and it bothers me that you probably don’t feel the same way. I miss you for I know that I lost you already.

Normal imperfection


It was always a pierce through to be treated like you're just some girl who isn't worth anything, at all. As if everything you do is the wrong thing to do, as if you're just so wrong to live in this world in the first place. Imperfection is normal, but maybe she is beyond imperfect-- she is a mistake.

I might


I needed to breathe slowly to stabilize my system, to look away to drive away this weird feeling, and to think of other thoughts for I am not liking those that are crossing my mind.

I am suddenly unaware of what happened, of what is happening. Since when did I ever get this uncomfortable feeling with him around? I can't seem to remember it ever happened before, but today is different. My inner self seems to be rallying for a reason I can't understand. I am in a chaos. What did he do to me?
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)